Last week I wrote a short article for FookFifty – about ‘Opening up to BIG Conversations”
Today I want to delve into a BIG conversation and while I do I invite you to think of a defining moment in your early years that either trigger something in you today or changed your motivation in life. This is my story.
All that sparkles.
At the age of 6, I felt abandoned and believed I’d done something terribly wrong as I was sent to stay, on my own, for 3 months in a sanatorium, a day’s ride form home. I had TB.
In one of the early chapters of my book I paint pictures with words form memories of my early childhood. To be sent away without any explanation for WHY profoundly impacted my life, the values I’ve fought for and the way I interact with everyone around me.
When I came back from hospital I was so scared of being turned away again, I did anything to please my mum, and the ‘people pleaser’ in me was triggered for the next 4 decades.
My mother used to sparkle.
I would wear her clothes. She wore miniskirts to work in her late 40’s, I was her Saturday Help on the shop floor at Glass Magasinet. Her hair was large and beautifully kept in a golden light brown, always perfect. She wore good makeup, – oh how I loved experimenting with her makeup! Yvonne and I would do it in secret when mum was out. As if she didn’t notice 😉 We used one of her roughs sticks as foundation once, sure we where still the clear descendants of the Umpa Lumpa’s when she came home 😂
Her nails, long and impeccably painted in pinks or reds and her hands, soft and tanned. She wore the most beautiful rings. I’m wearing one them now. She bought it for herself on her travels – on the 7 seas, where she meet my father, fell in love and soon was expecting me, she was 27.
This is is why, when I meet someone who sparkled, I went looking for approval.
I never felt approved off by any of my friends or family, teachers or neighbours. I wish I had know then, what I know now, – that most of what I felt and how I believed people perceive me, came from my own thoughts, mostly about myself. There where thing I was good at but I focused on my faults. I was not very kind to myself, back then. – I can still hear the remnants of the negative self talk on blue days.
This negative focus sent me on a a tailspin for Approval Seeking. My heart and soul was searching for approval anywhere in the world I could get to. I whole-heartedly believed it was out there and so, approval became a driving force in my life for decades.
It has taken years of living, making mistakes, getting feed up, reading, learning, writing, getting into some shameful situations and having BIG conversations with Shane and a few good friends to realise that Acceptance is not out there.
What I’ve figured out so far is that I had to start listening to my own self talk. I had to ask myself – ‘is this TRUE?’
I used to be an expert at thinking inside other people’s heads (especially Shane’s) and because I did that, – I expected them to be able to read my mind. Ever done that?I used to be an expert at thinking inside other people’s heads. Ever done that? #WWLiving Click To Tweet
I’m looking for a few select friends to read a preview of one of the early chapters of my book. If you want to volunteer – feel free to pop your email in here.
I’ll be looking for your feedback – . . . . or is that Approval? so be prepare to give me your honest TRUTH and suggestions.
Happy TRUTH hunting
Love & Light
Vig ❤️What I felt and how I believed people perceive me came only from my own thoughts #WWLiving Click To Tweet